Pilgrimage

Boolady is making the pilgrimage to Monroeville next week for the 50th anniversary celebration of To Kill a Mockingbird. I know it's wierd but it's just something I have to do...I'll let you know how it goes.

Amusing emails

This could easily be a Lucille Ball comedy routine. This is from my 75-year old mother. She enters (and wins) county fair cooking contests. It is verbatim.

Good evening, Well I am tired of seeing cookies. On Monday I took grandma to get her ultra sound done, then to the hearing aid doctor to get those adjusted. From there we stopped to get a bit to eat and when we came out to get in the car my "pepper spray" can had exploded. It was alful. It splattered in the front, back and sides with this liquid that was in this can. Not knowing what had happened I had stuck my head in the car and got a whiff of this stuff and WOW. My membranes in my nose and eyes were on fire. I wiped as much as I could off and thought if I would turn the air in the vents on high it would air it out. WRONG as it was in the vents also. I made one more stop at the grocery. While I was shopping I had wiped my face with my hand and had pepper spray all over and now my face was on fire. On to Goshen to take grandma home. Half way home I was so hot sitting in my seat and found out I had flipped the seat heater on high when I was wiping this mess up earlier. It was about 95 or higher outside anyway. WELL after I finally got home I had to bake all these cookies for Tuesday. The first ones I didn't like so had to make another to replace it. I ended up with a formed, bar and drop. We went to the fair about 11:00, as the contest was at 12:00. I won 1st in formed and 3rd in bars. Then we walked around in the heat and humitity. I thought I was drinking enough water but forgot I had not had much to eat. I started feeling light-headed and very weak. Dad saw a first aid truck and made me go there to get checked out. My blood pressurewas 180 over 100 and pluse was 80. They took me to another first aid place where there was a doctor and they had me lay down for about 1/2 hour. By then my blood pressure was down. He told me to get something to eat and keep drinking. They even offered to take me to the car. After eating I did feel a little better, but after a while just went home. I was really whiped last night. Today I am fine. ANYWAY I will send you a copy of todays paper. You will get a kick out of the write up they did.That is my short note to you. :-) Love you, Mom

This one is to my mom from a relative. There was trouble at work one day...
M,
This is an email from Sally, she has been so upset about this transvestite at work. This is her latest below. I guess I don't know what I would have done.

You are going to be so sick of hearing from me. Well, I found out where the transvestite went to the bathroom at. I went to the rest room around 11:30 and all 3 stalls were full, so I went over to the handicap one and as I was opening the door I glanced to the right and there he stood big as you please waiting to go. I just about had a stroke, went on in stood there for a minute trying to decide whether to leave or what to do, I couldn't even go I was so rattled and when I came out of the stall there he was at the sink in front of the handicap stall washing his hands, I went over to the other sink at the other end and washed my hands and went back to my station to work, and told my supervisor I wanted to talk to her, oh OK she said, and she walked over to the line and was going to talk to me that way. And I told her no she needed to come around to my area so I didn't have to have everybody listening. OH OK, and gave me a funny look. And she did come over and I asked her when did our bathrooms be come coed? At first she just looked at me and then started in with this business about how in Europe they do have unisex bathrooms and I told her we aren't in Europe we are here and I didn't much appreciate it. Well, you know some people do have different sexual perverse. And I said, I didn't much care what kind of a **** f***er he was, I didn't like him using the women's restroom. Then she told me I really needed to go talk to HR. I told her I wouldn't talk to him,I have no respect for that snake in the grass, and he didn't give a darn any how about us. Tom picked me up and took me to lunch like he usually does on Wed. so I got to vent my anger to him and all I could do was cry,I'd get all settled down, and the next thing I knew the tears were running again. They had a meeting after lunch yesterday saying we weren't supposed to make any kind of sexual remarks or we'd get harassment problems. So now I supposeI'll be getting written up for what I said. I don't know if I'll make the rest of this week, let alone the 3 months. Got to go.

I think...

Large breasted women should not wear tight V-neck sweaters (especially black) at a school sporting event and they should not do something called “the breast wave.” This is when you are sitting and you want to make some noise so you bend down and furiously stomp your feet so much so and with such furor that your breasts seem to pendulate from side to side. If all large breasted women sat together and did this, it would cause the earth to spin off its axis.

Sometimes you have to fly by the seat of your pants and hope your butt doesn’t get too blistered.

Good book title: Lessons from the bench.

If a product says, “As seen on TV,” you are wasting your money.

Just like it is a mistake to Google “pussy willow,” it is a mistake to YouTube “balls” or “scrotum.” Trust me.

If you dial 1-800-free-411 you get free information but if you dial 1-800-411-free you get a solicitation to a porn service. This is wrong.

Quotes that make you pause or laugh

“I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit.” Mae West

"It is good to have an open mind but you don’t need to let your brains fall out." A historian on a History Channel show on UFO’s.

Man:"Can I buy you a drink?"
Woman:"I'd rather have the cash."

"Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of." Sarah Orne Jewett

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science." Albert Einstein

"And people used to ask June [Carter] how -- how she was doin'. And she used to say, "I'm just tryin' to matter." And, I know what she means, you know. I'm just trying to matter and live a good life…" Part of Reese Witherspoon’s Academy Award acceptance speech


"It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars." Garrison Keillor

"In my day, we didn't have self-esteem; we had self-respect, and no more of it than what we had earned." Jane Haddam

Advice to children crossing the street: Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody." Jackie "Moms" Mabley

There ain't nothin' an ol' man can do but bring me a message from a young one

“Today is a gift-have fun.” Dustin age 11

Just because kittens are born in the oven doesn't make them biscuits.

“Putting lipstick on a pig is a waste of time and annoys the pig.”

"I never made it in Who’s Who but I was featured in What’s That?”

"Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn now and then."

"She went off like a Korean woman on crack!"

“Big girls don’t stand still.” Coach CJ

Harper Lee Quotes:
I'm no idealist to believe firmly in the integrity of our courts and in the jury system -- that is no ideal to me, it is a living, working reality. Gentlemen, a court is no better than each man of you sitting before me on this jury. A court is only as sound as its jury, and a jury is only as sound as the men who make it up.

Folks don't like to have somebody around knowing more than they do. It aggravates em. You're not gonna change any of them by talking right, they've got to want to learn themselves, and when they don't want to learn there's nothing you can do but keep your mouth shut or talk their language.

Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.

Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing.

Gardening thoughts and ideas

When people talk about butterfly gardening, they usually just talk about having lots of nectar plants that butterflies can feed on. What they fail to mention is that butterflies are plant specific. This means that butterflies lay their eggs on certain plants. If you don't have the host plants, you won't have the butterflies. For example, monarch butterflies only lay their eggs on milkweed and butterfly weed. You wonder why you don't see monarchs anymore? Do you have these plants? I have several varieties in my garden and the monarchs come home to mama every year (take a look at how beautiful the monarch chrysalis is). The swallowtail butterfly will only lay eggs on rue, fennel, or parsley. Do you have these plants? When the caterpillars get big enough, I'll go and cut the stem they are on (you can't just pull them off or you will rip their toes off), put the stem in wet florist foam, and keep giving them fresh food until they make a chrysalis (which is fascinating to watch). Then I'll move that and in about 2 weeks, I get to see a butterfly hatch. The best plant is passion vine. I have several varieties and this vine is a host plant for the gulf fritillary. Have you ever watched a butterfly lay eggs? Get this plant and you will. A great book on this is The Family Butterfly Book by Rick Mikula. There's nothing like seeing butterflies in your yard and knowing that you birthed them.

Great combinations:
Viburnum, moonv ine, morning glory

Viburnum is a host plant for the hummingbird moth (among many other moths) and moths are nocturnal so why not give them night blooming flowers? Duh. We had a moon vine around our arbor and had every night several moths who would feed. It was wonderful. The morning glories bloomed in the morning and were equally attractive.

Any kind of milkweed next to confederate rose
Milkweed attracts monarchs and having the confederate rose beside next to them gave the monarchs a place to hang their chrysalis.

Cool plants:
Love in a Puff is an annual vine that has seeds that are round and brown and a white heart shape on them. Too cool and a wonderful treasure for anybody. See photo on the left.

Trick or treat?

Trick or Treat

What happened to the “or?”

We say “trick or treat” but we mean “treat.”

When the marauding gangs of costumed children parade up to my door and regurgitate the obligatory phrase, I use my best Wicked Witch of the West voice and say, “Well, my pretty, that is up to you. You say ‘Trick or treat,’ right? I’m going to give you a die. If you roll an even number, you get to choose a treat from this big bowl of candy. However, if you roll an odd number, you have to put your hand in this paper bag and take what’s inside.”

“Um ma’am, can we just get some candy?”

“No (accent over). Roll the die. If you get a two, four, or six, you get candy. If you roll a one, three, or five, you get what’s in the paper bag.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s my house and I said so and YOU said ‘Trick or Treat’. Now roll.”

The first group of kids rolls the die and throws evens so they grab Starburst and Skittles and are happily on their way to the next house. The next two kids that come are a brother and sister who have favored status in my book of children. The sister rolls a two and takes a Kit Kat bar while the brother rolls a three. He reaches into the paper bag and pulls out a potato.

“I don’t want that!”

“It’s trick or treat and you rolled an odd number so you get a potato.”

“But I want candy.”

“You don’t get candy. You got tricked. You get a potato.”

“Can I roll again?”

“No, now move along (end of favored status).”

He storms off and his sister is very happy about this preposition “or” and quite frankly, so am I.

Let me say right now that if large teenagers come to the door dressed as themselves, they do not get to play the dice game. They just get candy with no questions asked. I will not risk being pelted with my own potatoes.


My next visitors are excited to play a game and not just get candy thrown in their bag. One kid rolls a three and proclaims with male bravado, “I GOT A POTATO!! YES!!”
It’s all about positioning, I guess. The next kid rolls a five and says, “Do I hafta get a potato?” “Well, no, you can choose from this other bag.” Excited, he puts his hand in and pulls out a dog bone. The other children giggle at his misfortune.

The next group is younger so their parents walk with them but stay in the background. The parents know me to be slightly irregular but very trustworthy when it comes to children. They look on with curiosity as I explain the game. Chance does its job. One kid who got a potato asks me very nicely if he could have another turn. This time I say yes because sometimes in life, you get second chances- especially when you have manners. He rolls a two and was off with a Snickers. The last kid rolls a one and I’m feeling benevolent so I give him a choice of either the potato or the dog bone.

“I want candy.”

“I’m sorry. You don’t get candy. You rolled an odd number so that’s a trick. It’s trick or treat.”

“I DON’T WANT A POTATO OR A DOG BONE. I WANT CANDY!”

I wait for his father in the back of the crowd to make this a teaching moment but I think he is too mortified to act. Keep in mind that these kids already had enough candy to feed a Second World country.

I repeat calmly and firmly, “You don’t get any candy.”

“I WANT CANDY! IT’S HALLOWEEN. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME CANDY!”

He stomps away and I feel sad. If this is how he handles the disappointment of not getting a small piece of candy, he is in for a mighty bumpy life ride.

One of the last arrivals is a very sweet little girl dressed as a fairy princess. She is just in awe of the whole Halloween experience. She takes measured steps up the walk as if she is anxiously anticipating what is going to happen. She is truly beautiful. I explain the game and she is thrilled at the idea of doing something different. She carefully cups her hands around the die, shakes vigorously, and when she thinks it is just the right moment, she throws the die down. It is a three. She reaches in and takes out a potato and says gratefully, “Oh, look, Mommy. We can make a baked potato.” I let her roll again. A five. She reaches into the other bag. “A dog bone! We can give this to Buddy and he will be so happy.”

Yes. It is all in the positioning. Her life ride will be very smooth.

This Halloween, remember that it is “Trick or Treat.” Just like life.